It's not about you

The kids are growing – and it’s not about you

I attended a parenting talk last weekend that focused on how to deal with irritating teenagers. Apparently, what is happening at this stage in their lives is that they are developing their consciousness and sense-of-self in a process called “Individuation”. This is where they not only realise that they are a standalone being, separate from the rest of living humanity, but also decide to try and enforce it by being annoying to everyone around them. With their newfound identity, they suddenly think they know everything and behave like a boss, when in fact, they might come across as irresponsible and annoying.

Reliving their childhood and
trying to break the kiddy rides

The question is, what do we do about this? In a painful revelation, we should let the process happen – a bit like watching a butterfly trying to emerge from the chrysalis (I had to Google that word). They have to struggle, twist, turn, like a madman in a straightjacket – and we, in theory shouldn’t help them except to stand on the side-lines to cheer them on, or nag, or resist the urge of stabbing someone.

It is their journey, not ours. And in the midst of their awkward difficulties, they are bound to fight back, be rude and come across as disrespectful and ungrateful, we have to remember that it is not about you, but about them - whatever that means. I think it refers to the fact that we should not take such things personally, that they should be forgiven as they do not know what they are doing, and other things like that you continue to tell yourself to feel better about our maddening and seemingly unappreciative growing kids, whom once upon a time seemed to be so cute and adorable.

It is a process that has to take place – unless you want emotionally or mentally underdeveloped children that could live off your income through their adulthood or irritate fellow commuters on the MRT – and you certainly don’t want that right?