Unconditional love and the trouble with insanity
Parenting talks say you should love your children unconditionally. That regardless of what they do, how badly they behave, what they spill on the floor or throw at you, you must still love them with your heart, soul, your entire being. Separate the action from the child. Which means that you tell him that you are disappointed/dislike/have problems with his behaviour but still love him as much as you did before the deadly action/yesterday/the day he was born. You despise what the person did, but love the person that did it.
After you've read that last paragraph 10 times, it finally makes theoretical sense. After all, the naughty event is now in the past, but the person is in the present ... or presence. Seriously, disowning your son or daughter because he or she refused to finish up a meal is hardly a reasonable solution. You yourself might demand the same treatment from your family and spouse - forgiveness and unconditional love.
But children are fragile creatures and sometimes in the heat of the moment we might say harsh words to them that are hurtful, unloving and final like "I'm not going to love you anymore", "I'm don't care about what you do" which over time sinks into their brains and starts to become reality. Alternatively, they'll pick up on these sarcastic remarks and use them as their own. Threats like "If you don't do this, I won't love you" are even worse as they imply that you will only love them if some requirements are met.
Unconditional love means regardless of what he does, how he behaves, what kind of grades he gets, what type of trouble comes up, you will keep a firm but affectionate tone, treat him with respect and dignity, and take the effort to address the issue at hand in a consistent and appropriate manner. If punishment is required, carry it out quickly and ensure he understands why. But through the whole process, the underlying promise is that love is not being used as a bargaining tool, that it will always be there and the main storyline has not changed.
When it's all over, return to normal. Do not bear grudges or harbour negative thoughts about your child. It is all easier said than done and when you have naughty kids, it gets harder. But consider this, do you think your child really does these things to irritate you and spoil your day, do they intentionally want to make you angry or destroy things? I hardly think so. It is in their nature to explore the world, push the limits and try new things - how else would they learn and grow? And one day, it will be all over and you'll long for memories of their childishness.
After you've read that last paragraph 10 times, it finally makes theoretical sense. After all, the naughty event is now in the past, but the person is in the present ... or presence. Seriously, disowning your son or daughter because he or she refused to finish up a meal is hardly a reasonable solution. You yourself might demand the same treatment from your family and spouse - forgiveness and unconditional love.
But children are fragile creatures and sometimes in the heat of the moment we might say harsh words to them that are hurtful, unloving and final like "I'm not going to love you anymore", "I'm don't care about what you do" which over time sinks into their brains and starts to become reality. Alternatively, they'll pick up on these sarcastic remarks and use them as their own. Threats like "If you don't do this, I won't love you" are even worse as they imply that you will only love them if some requirements are met.
Unconditional love means regardless of what he does, how he behaves, what kind of grades he gets, what type of trouble comes up, you will keep a firm but affectionate tone, treat him with respect and dignity, and take the effort to address the issue at hand in a consistent and appropriate manner. If punishment is required, carry it out quickly and ensure he understands why. But through the whole process, the underlying promise is that love is not being used as a bargaining tool, that it will always be there and the main storyline has not changed.
When it's all over, return to normal. Do not bear grudges or harbour negative thoughts about your child. It is all easier said than done and when you have naughty kids, it gets harder. But consider this, do you think your child really does these things to irritate you and spoil your day, do they intentionally want to make you angry or destroy things? I hardly think so. It is in their nature to explore the world, push the limits and try new things - how else would they learn and grow? And one day, it will be all over and you'll long for memories of their childishness.