Tips for new parents: Make it a joint
So what gives me the authority (or credibility) of dishing out such advice? I've only been a parent for 5 years and here I am thinking I'm the smarty pants. Well, I don't claim to be a guru, just that I've experienced my bit of parenting, seen others have their share of similar problems, done some thinking and come up with some formulae which might (or might not) make sense. No harm typing them out here to get them off my chest and out in the open and besides, if no one really passed you any knowledge, then some advice is better than nothing.
So here goes some words of wisdom from a relatively new father:
When deciding if the time is right to have children, try to ensure it is a joint decision. Try to have appropriate amounts of discussion, the open and frank type to understanding if both of you are equally excited about having another person in your family. It might seem (at that point) to be a trivial thing ("all our friends are having children", "it's just a baby, what's the big deal", "let's just have a kid and see what happens") but it is not - after deciding to get married, it is the next biggest thing that will happen in your otherwise comfortable life. Maybe I'll deal with that in another post.
Why is it important to ensure that you get off on the right footing, making sure that both of you are equal stakeholders in your new family member? Because at various times in the near future, you might be very well tempted to point fingers at each other, "See? You wanted the baby!" or "She's your baby, you handle her, I'm going to do something else". These lop-sided responsibility arguments are the result of frustration, tiredness and could easily lead to resentment of both your spouse and the child: and that's definitely not a good thing.
If you both went through the investigation and discussion processes correctly (according to the baby planing handbook, chapter 3 .. kidding), both of you should have concluded that you wanted the baby equally and would jointly pledge your love, energy, money, transportation vehicles (and so on) to ensuring this child of yours grows up into a respectable and responsible person.
Of course there is going to be pushing of responsibilities, shouting and screaming, neglect and the occasional burst of flying baby food across the dining table - but that's the joy, the whole point if you may, of being a parent. You can brag to your unmarried friends "Hey, I got flying baby food at home, what do you have?". But once you calm yourself and collect your thoughts, the fact that you entered it together would make some difference.
So what do you do if you can't come to a joint decision? I would say, hold of the children for the moment. Maybe your marriage relationship isn't mature enough at that point - and adding a new (moving, struggling, wailing) variable would surely not do you guys any help.
Bottomline: Don't rush into it. It is a life changing event. Make it a joint decision.
So here goes some words of wisdom from a relatively new father:
When deciding if the time is right to have children, try to ensure it is a joint decision. Try to have appropriate amounts of discussion, the open and frank type to understanding if both of you are equally excited about having another person in your family. It might seem (at that point) to be a trivial thing ("all our friends are having children", "it's just a baby, what's the big deal", "let's just have a kid and see what happens") but it is not - after deciding to get married, it is the next biggest thing that will happen in your otherwise comfortable life. Maybe I'll deal with that in another post.
Why is it important to ensure that you get off on the right footing, making sure that both of you are equal stakeholders in your new family member? Because at various times in the near future, you might be very well tempted to point fingers at each other, "See? You wanted the baby!" or "She's your baby, you handle her, I'm going to do something else". These lop-sided responsibility arguments are the result of frustration, tiredness and could easily lead to resentment of both your spouse and the child: and that's definitely not a good thing.
If you both went through the investigation and discussion processes correctly (according to the baby planing handbook, chapter 3 .. kidding), both of you should have concluded that you wanted the baby equally and would jointly pledge your love, energy, money, transportation vehicles (and so on) to ensuring this child of yours grows up into a respectable and responsible person.
Of course there is going to be pushing of responsibilities, shouting and screaming, neglect and the occasional burst of flying baby food across the dining table - but that's the joy, the whole point if you may, of being a parent. You can brag to your unmarried friends "Hey, I got flying baby food at home, what do you have?". But once you calm yourself and collect your thoughts, the fact that you entered it together would make some difference.
So what do you do if you can't come to a joint decision? I would say, hold of the children for the moment. Maybe your marriage relationship isn't mature enough at that point - and adding a new (moving, struggling, wailing) variable would surely not do you guys any help.
Bottomline: Don't rush into it. It is a life changing event. Make it a joint decision.