Separation Anxiety and School

Nigel's reluctance to attend school is really a case of Separation Anxiety. He's very attached to Celest, having been by her side constantly for the first 3.5 years of his life and hardly being away for longer than a 2 hour stretch. All of a sudden, he's by himself for a whole 8 hour session. Naturally he'd feel insecure and alone - even if surrounded by other children his age, toys and activities.

I walked him to school on Friday and even though it wasn't so bad, I could see a bit of the fear in his face as we approached the centre. Naturally, a parent would feel very inclined to hug him, not let him go and protect him by taking him home saying "it's OK, we'll go home, no need to go to school today" but I fought that (and I'm sure Celest does the same thing every time) and just let him into the hands of the childcare experts. He went in rather quickly that day, although I could sense the panic in his voice as he said he wanted to use the toilet. I left feeling with mixed emotions but also confident that the school handles these things all the time and are equipped with the right skills.

Last night I read this article and am glad we've been doing (trying at least to do) the right thing. It claims the main reason why SA occurs is because of an over-protective family environment and parents who are unwilling to allow their children to experience new things, often showing fear on their behalf. I think this is generally true of first-borns as parents are over-anxious, worried and fearful for their new babies. This will probably not happen with the second child onwards.

This explains why the second child typically ends up more independent and creative - growing up to be entrepreneurs and risk-takers in society - while the first-born chooses to pick the safe route and work in large US conglomerates instead.

When I was younger, I remember a fearful sort of dark heavy feeling every Sunday evening when I had to return to army training. It would pull at my heart and suddenly home seemed so warm and secure –I envied the cat (Meow, God bless her) who could just hang around the house lazily all week. The army training was tough though – and that didn’t help.

Back to Nigel. Attending school at this age - I think the education part is only half of it. The other part is about finding his own feet, his own soul. As we go along and he recognizes that a school day is only temporary and that he would get to see his mummy at the end of the day, he would begin to open up to new possibilities and find the confidence to look ahead. Being in a secure environment outside the home with others would allow him to grow in new ways which can only help him become a socially assured and independent young man later. Who knows, he might run his own company next time instead of working for someone else.

He’s beginning to get the hang of it – and if we continue to do things right, he should be happy in school by this coming week. As with other aspects of parenting, this is tough but will benefit him in the longer term.